Cards Against Gems
by Alex-olo-gy
Summary: Four smol Gems come together in Amethyst's room to play the greatest card game in the universe. Or, in which some Steven Universe characters play Cards Against Humanity. Set after "Too Far". (Just testing the waters here. Review if you guys want more!)
1. The Chaos Begins

A hideous creaking sound, like a scream, rang out in the distance. A rusted iron rail, hanging out nearly perpendicular to the pile of trash it was sticking out of finally snapped in two after 253 years. The piece of rail crashed into a deep puddle, spraying water everywhere. On the rocks, in the puddles, on other mountains of garbage. Among the monoliths of plastic and stone, four small figures sat in a circle, untouched by the errant droplets. In the center of the circle, there was a mangled tire with a piece of plywood laid on top of it.

The first figure, clad in red, turned to the sound of the rail's demise.

"What the hell was that?!" She yelped. "Amethyst, you're telling me you _still_ didn't bubble the Slinker?"

"The _Slinker_ is none of your biz." A violet figure, presumably Amethyst, retorted.

"Calm down." A saccharine yet monotonous voice spoke. "I do not see any possibilities where the Slinker attacks us." The blue figure from which it came adjusted her thick, eye-obscuring bangs.

"Good." The final figure affirmed. "Now that we've ensured that this… ' _Slinker'..._ is not a threat, let's begin… whatever this is."

"It's called Cards Against Humanity, Peridot." Amethyst replied with a hairflip.

"Whatever." Peridot grunted.

"To be honest, I'm curious about all of this as well. What is this game all about?" The blue figure inquired.

"EXCELLENT QUESTION, SAPPHIRE!" Amethyst jumped up onto the makeshift table and held up a rectangular object with the words "The bigger, blacker box." written on it in white as if it was baby Jesus.

"It's only the best thing humans have ever invented in the history of EVER!" Amethyst proudly declared.

" _Yeah_ , but what the hell is it?" The red figure growled, annoyed by Amethyst's beating-around-the-bush. Sapphire clasped her hand, and it was as if all the tension had been drained from the red figure's body. They gazed lovingly into each other's' eyes, ignorant of their surroundings, even Amethyst singing "Ruby and Sapphire, sitting in a tree~. F-U-C-K-I-N-G~." and Peridot's subsequent giggling like a 12-year-old.

Yes, Amethyst had so graciously taught Peridot the fine art of sex jokes, among _other_ things. Peridot was initially in a near- constant state of confusion over Earth customs, so she put her technical expertise to work and designed a pair of implants, each to be attached to the back of a gemstone. The implant was activated mentally, receiving a coded energy wave followed by a pulse which carried data. This data was signaled to the other implant, which then transcribed it into a message that was displayed in the other Gem's mind. It was, for all intents and purposes, a mental texter, to be used when Peridot was curious about something. Amethyst could just send her the thought, instead of wasting her time with a long-winded and confusing explanation. This was borderline necessary for what they were about to do.

"Ok, so basically it's this card game-"

"Well _no shit_ , Amethyst."

"Shut up Ruby. As I was saying before I got so rudely interrupted, Card Against Humanity is a game about asking funny questions and getting funny answers. Basically, there's somebody who takes a black card and reads it, they're called the Card Czar."

Amethyst gestured to the tall stack of white cards in the center of the "table". "The other people then pick their white card that would be the funniest- we all get seven, by the way. If you have a deck of crappy white cards, you can trade them in for seven new ones, but _only_ seven. When the Card Czar has everyone's cards, he'll read them all out loud with the black card and decides which one is the funniest. The person who sent the funniest card gets the black card. Then the next person in the circle becomes the Card Czar, and the cycle starts all over again. Whoever has the most black cards by the end wins!"

Murmurs of intrigue surrounded Amethyst as she began dealing the white cards. "Uh, I think I'll let Ruby go first. Should be interesting."

Ruby however wasn't listening. She was leaned against Sapphire, whispering something.

" _First one to laugh has to carry the other around all day_." Ruby said.

" _Challenge accepted_." Sapphire whispered back. " _You've already dug your own grave_."

"Ruby! Stop talking dirty to Sapphire and pick a damn card already!"

"Sure, whatever." Ruby drew the first black card.

As Ruby prepared to read her black card, Sapphire thought back to the broken rail and briefly wondered if it was to forewarn her of future chaos. She didn't even need to use her future sight to know the answer.


	2. Nixon, Destroyer of Bets

"I drink to forget blank." Ruby said disinterestedly.

Amethyst looked through her deck. It contained the following: A disappointing birthday party. The chronic. My soul. The Jews. MechaHitler. Flying sex snakes. And Richard Nixon _._ Amethyst handed Ruby a card.

Sapphire went over her options. Surprise sex! Michael Jackson. Fingering. Eugenics. Police brutality. All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99. And Copping a feel. She thought about it for a while, then laid down a card.

Peridot was confused (as usual) as she went over her cards. Cybernetic enhancements.

Shapeshifters. The Care Bear Stare. My ex-wife. Me. The Boy Scouts of America. And A windmill full of corpses. One option both intrigued and baffled her, so she blipped Amethyst about it. _Oh man_ , she had replied. _Wish I coulda had that one._ After Amethyst explained the card to her, Peridot slapped it onto the center of the table with a smug grin on her face.

"Alright, do I have everybody's cards?" Ruby said. Sapphire and Amethyst nodded. Peridot only snorted. "Get ready to lose, clods."

"O-kay!" Ruby semi shouted over Peridot. "I drink to forget… fingering!" She held back a smile while Amethyst giggled and Sapphire sat stone-faced. Peridot was initially blank; Amethyst blipped a thought to her and Peridot desperately tried to restrain laughter. Before she could, however, Ruby read off the next card.

"I drink to forget… Richard Nixon!" Suddenly Ruby was doubled over, trying to stop herself from laughing aloud. Sapphire was desperately trying to prevent herself from doing the same.

 _What's so funny about a Richard Nixon?_ Peridot blipped.

 _It's an inside joke._ Amethyst blipped back. _I picked it because I knew Ruby'd laugh._

 _Oh._

After about a minute or so, Ruby finally calmed down enough to read off the last card, though Sapphire was still giggling.

"I drink to forget…" Ruby trailed off mid-sentence to re-read the card she was holding as if she couldn't believe what it said. "The Care Bear Stare."

That did it. Sapphire was doubled over laughing. She just couldn't take it anymore. Not like Ruby was any different though. She was laughing so hard it came out as a series of dry rasps.

"I- ha… Whoever picked Richard Nixon. I'm _sorry,_ but The Care Bear Stare just made too much sense. Who had it?"

"I win!" Peridot eagerly took the black card, grinning maniacally. "Victory is mine!" She threw her hands in the air.

"Uh, no it's not." Amethyst retorted.

"Peridot stopped to glare at Amethyst. "What?"

"That was only the first turn." Peridot visibly deflated at this.

That brought Amethyst to another thought. "Uh, speaking of which, did you guys each draw a card to replace the ones you gave Ruby?"

A murmur of denial came from Ruby and Sapphire's side of the table. On Amethyst's side there was just a quiet muttering. It was mostly unintelligible, but one could make out the word "clods" now and then. Eventually, everyone reached into the white deck and pulled out a card.

After drawing a card, Sapphire leaned over to Ruby and whispered again.

" _We both laughed at the same time, so that shouldn't count_."

" _Seems fair, Sapphy_."

"A-hem." Amethyst and Peridot were looking at Sapphire expectantly.

Ruby cracked a grin. "Your turn Sapph."

 **The Decks So Far:**

Ruby (Black cards: 0)

Trench Foot.

Sharing needles.

Crystal Meth.

Horse meat.

RoboCop.

Gloryholes.

A really cool hat.

Sapphire (Black cards: 0)

Surprise sex!

Michael Jackson.

Eugenics.

Police brutality.

All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.

Copping a feel.

Sexting.

Amethyst (Black cards: 0)

A disappointing birthday party.

The chronic.

My soul.

The Jews.

MechaHitler.

Flying sex snakes.

The gays.

Peridot (Black cards: 1)

Cybernetic enhancements.

Shapeshifters.

My ex-wife.

Me.

The Boy Scouts of America.

A windmill full of corpses.

A tiny horse.


	3. Of Creativity and Crystal Meth

Sapphire's slender gloved hand reached to the black deck. She took a card from the top of the deck. She sat upright, prepping herself like a businesswoman, and read the following:

"Blank is a girl's best friend."

Immediately, Ruby set down a card.

Amethyst was quick to follow, grinning like a maniac.

Peridot laid down a card, not even bothering to blip Amethyst about it. It just felt… right somehow.

Sapphire mentally steeled herself for what was to come. Her future sight told her that there was a 49.5 percent chance of Ruby laughing first and a 49.5% chance of her own loss. The remaining 1% was too cloudy to read, and that scared her. She could vaguely make out shadowy tentacles…

"Sapph! We're waiting!" Amethyst snapped Sapphire out of her daze.

"R-right…" Sapphire knew that she was uneasy from the premonitions and more susceptible to losing the bet. She had to focus herself, but she didn't have time. She decided to just read off the cards and get it over with.

"What is a girl's best friend?..." Sapphire picked up a card. "Cybernetic enhancements."

"Damn right." Peridot muttered.

Sapphire ignored her and read on. "What is a girl's best friend? Crystal meth."

She stopped herself as she fully registered what she had just read. _No_. She thought. _There's nothing funny about drugs. Even though they are that prevalent in Earth's modern society that the statement could be considered valid- Damnit that's not helping._ Her lips were threatening to pull upwards into a grin.

Sapphire glanced up to see Ruby averting her eyes, acting as innocent as possible. _Ruby you sly little…_

"Sapphire are you okay?"

"I'm fine Amethyst." Sapphire picked up the final card. She scanned it over. She personally didn't find it all that funny. _Ruby_ however…

Now she was going to smile, but for a different reason.

"What's a girl's best friend?" Sapphire asked, preparing her hammiest robot voice.

"ME-CHA HIT-LER." She spun her arms for extra effect. Now it was Ruby's turn to desperately hold back giggles. Sapphire saw her quiver and practically felt victory in her hand. She waited until it looked like Ruby had calmed down before making her choice.

"Whoever had crystal meth." She stated simply.

"Why _thank you_ , darling." Ruby took the card with an exaggerated bow. Of course.

Everyone drew a new card. Suddenly, something caught Peridot's eye and she blipped Amethyst about it, prompting the purple gem to stand up.

"Ok you guys, Peridot here just asked a great question." She proceeded to hold up a white card. However, this card didn't have a witty saying or vulgar one liner. It was completely blank.

"See how some of the cards have nothing on 'em? These are custom cards. Basically, you write whatever you want on them and use them in the game." Amethyst explained.

"Can we write some up now and shuffle them into the deck?" Sapphire inquired.

"Sure, don't see why not." Amethyst abruptly shoved her arm into a pile of sludge that was behind her. After rooting around for a few seconds, she pulled out a chili pepper ballpoint pen, circa 1985. She popped it open and scribbled it on her palm.

"Just seein' if it still works." Amethyst explained.

After some coaxing, it began to write. She then passed everyone five cards each and passed Peridot the pen (thank goodness Steven taught her to write).

Peridot thought long and hard, utilizing her newfound sense of humor as she wrote:

Buying a Pearl and making out with it because you can't get a girlfriend.

A forced-fusion orgy.

Clods.

Pearl in general.

The goddamn Earth.

Ruby was next:

Alexandrite's second mouth.

Garnet shapeshifting into Richard Nixon.

Pearl's thirst for Rose.

?

?

"I can't think of any more." She stated simply.

"Don't worry 'bout it Rube Cube. You can write some more later."

"Thanks… Wait, _Rube Cube_?"

Sapphire followed suit:

Sneople.

Ronaldo.

An angry little slice of pie.

I'M AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!

MAY-OR DEW-EY.

Finally, Amethyst had the pen.

Pearl's nose.

Fry bits.

Watermelon Stevens.

Garnet's afro.

Ruby and Sapphire making out.

"Awright!" Amethyst cheered. "My turn now! Let the master show you how it's done!"

 **The Decks So Far:**

Ruby (Black cards: 1)

Trench Foot.

Sharing needles.

Horse meat.

RoboCop.

Gloryholes.

A really cool hat.

Old people smell.

Sapphire (Black cards: 0)

Surprise sex!

Michael Jackson.

Eugenics.

Police brutality.

All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.

Copping a feel.

Sexting.

Amethyst (Black cards: 0)

A disappointing birthday party.

The chronic.

My soul.

The Jews.

Flying sex snakes.

The gays.

Racism.

Peridot (Black cards: 1)

Shapeshifters.

My ex-wife.

Me.

The Boy Scouts of America.

A windmill full of corpses.

A tiny horse.

Women in yogurt commercials.


	4. Drugs and Alcohol

"Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of blank."

By now everybody knew the drill. It became a routine. They leafed through their cards. Ruby would look smug. Sapphire would be stone-faced. Peridot would blip Amethyst about something, and she would get blipped back with the thought.

"So everybody's got their cards in. Let's rock this enchilada!" Amethyst called. Immediately. she got a blip.

 _What's an en-chee-lah-duh?_

 _Don't worry about it Dottie. Doesn't matter._

 _Wait,_ _ **Dottie?**_

Amethyst cut the message off before Peridot could start cussing her out. She lifted the first card.

"Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of… Sharing needles!" She chuckled, only to look up and see that Ruby and Sapphire weren't laughing. Peridot looked disgusted.

"Was it something I said?"

Peridot went wide eyed.

"H-how in the glorious name of Yellow Diamond would sharing needles be beneficial to one's health?!"

"Dottie, please. It's just a game-"

"I FUCKING SAID DON'T CALL ME DOTTIE, AMETHYST!" Peridot sputtered.

"Give us a minute." Amethyst then lead Peridot out of the sight of the others. While Peridot was fuming, Amethyst was looking around for something. Finally seeing it, she ran over to a junk pile and heaved out a barrel of Lafayette Vineyards white wine, circa 1922.

"Here, Dot. Loosen up." Amethyst handed her companion the bottle. "Great use of the word fuck, by the way."

"Loosen… up?"

"It's a drink." Amethyst stated.

Then suddenly, a terrible, horrible, wonderful idea struck Amethyst. She turned to Peridot with a grin of determination.

"O Peridot of the Gem Homeworld. I, Amethyst of the Crystal Gems, challenge thee to a righteous competition of the ages!"

Peridot looked up. "What is it?"

Amethyst narrowed her eyes. "A _drinking game_." She said dramatically. "First one to laugh for every card has to take a sip of wine. Last Gem standing wins."

Now, Peridot was unaware of the nature of alcohol and its subsequent consumption. The concept seemed simple enough to her. How much harm could it cause? On the other hand, the 'last Gem standing' condition alarmed her. That meant that there was a risk to the contest. Not to mention that this competition reminded her of something that Jasper would do. In the end, she decided that she could prove herself. Surely it wasn't too dangerous…

"I accept your terms."

Peridot and Amethyst shook hands.

"May the best Gem win."

* * *

While that whole conversation was going on, Ruby and Sapphire were discussing their own bet.

"You gotta laugh sometiiiime~..." Ruby teased. "There's a reason why I call you my Laffy Sapphy."

It was Sapphire's turn to brag. "Yeah? Well I can see the future, and it shows _my victory_." Well, 49.5% of the time.

Ruby needed a comeback, so in a fit of blind retaliation she grabbed the rope that had been brushing against her back for the longest time. Because damn it, she was Ruby, Master of Comedy!

"You think that just because you have future sight you'll win? I love you Sapph, but the day I lose to anyone- _especially_ in a game like this- is the day I'll hang myself with this here… rope..." Ruby froze. That did not feel like the woven tweed of a rope. It was cool and slimy.

Sapphire looked on in horror.

"That's not a rope. That's not a rope Ruby."

Her vision had come true.

The Slinker was there the whole time.


	5. Insert Tentacle Porn Joke Here

The card game would have to wait.

Four tendrils shot out from the Slinker's bulbous underside, making a beeline for a paralyzed Sapphire, only to get smacked away by Ruby.

Ruby made a running charge towards the beast, only to become ensnared by an errant tentacle. She was soon suspended in midair, hanging directly over the bulb.

Sapphire could only facepalm at this whole scenario. That _one_ _percent_ chance outcome? Gee wilickers, what were the fucking odds now?

The bulb unfurled like a hideous tulip to reveal jagged, snapping jaws that were as wide as Steven was tall. They dripped with drool that hissed and crackled when it touched the ground.

Sapphire watched in mounting horror as the tentacles holding Ruby began to loosen, threatening to let her fall into the acidic deathtrap. Ruby literally held on for dear life; if she fell and got poofed, then the spit would surely dissolve her gem into nothing, all while she was still inside and aware of what was happening.

Sapphire couldn't do anything. She wasn't built for combat in any sense of the word. However, at that moment, a memory came back to her. From that moment on, she remained calm and immobile. She had seen something in one of her earlier visions: something that she had dismissed as minor and nearly forgotten about.

That vision turned true.

A washing machine perched precariously on top of a 40-foot tall mountain of unidentified sludge was shaken loose by the scuffle below. The rolling washing machine's corners scraped and cut at the sludge below, loosening chunks of sludge bit by bit until what was essentially a shit avalanche occurred.

The hapless Slinker had only time to look up, Ruby's arm clasped in its jaws, for a single moment of "oh god no" before it was crushed by three tons of sludge.

Sapphire smirked. "Right on cue. Now to wait for Ruby."

Ruby emerged from the pile roughly fifteen minutes later, covered in I-don't-wanna-know and missing an arm.

"It'll grow back." She said, brushing chunks of sludge out of her afro with her fingers.

" _Sure_ it will."

The two lovers were interrupted by Amethyst's voice in the distance.

"Yoooo guys, we're back!"

Sapphire eyed the barrel Amethyst was carrying on her back questioningly.

"Oh, this? Just some… refreshments." Her eyes then fell on Ruby.

"WHOA! What the hell happened? Your arm's _gone_!"

"Thank you _so much_ for stating the obvious." Ruby muttered irritably. "Now I for one would like to go back to the game and _forget_ this ever happened."

"R-right." Soon, Peridot returned as well, carrying an aluminum tray of shot glasses which she scanned with suspicion.

And with that, the game resumed.


	6. I Drink To Forget

"Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of blank." Amethyst read for the second time.

"Let's see… Already read that one- _here_ we go! Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative fowers of… Surprise Sex!"

At this, Amethyst was biting back on her tongue to restrain giggles. She didn't have to, however, as Peridot was already snickering. When said Gem realized this, she quickly covered her mouth with an expression of wide-eyed horror, hoping that Amethyst hadn't seen. It was all in vain, however.

"I saw that, Dot! Don't try to hide it." The purple Gem poured a shot glass and handed it to the technician. "Bottoms up."

Peridot had next to no experience with the consumption of edibles of any kind. Embarrassed, she briefly blipped an inquiry to Amethyst. Once she got her response (containing some uncomfortably well- detailed instructions), she shakily brought the glass to her lips. Suddenly, a beeping from within her forehead signaled her to a message. Curious, she opened it.

 _With shots, you drink it all at once. Don't think, just do. You can do it, Dottie._

With that, Peridot threw her head back and swallowed hard. It burned in her throat as it went down, but it soon passed. She set the glass down on the plywood table.

"Alright, Dot! Good one!" Amethyst cheered.

Peridot felt big. She had conquered the foul fruit-liquid! She felt giddy. Curiously, she became aware to a small buzzing sensation in her head, like tiny fireworks going off. It didn't matter though, because at that moment, she felt _good_.

Amethyst snickered at Peridot's expression. "Dude, she's already getting tipsy. After _one shot!_ "

Ruby was unimpressed. "So what? I've seen plenty of people who can't hold their booze."

"Like Garnet." Sapphire chimed in.

" _Nooo_ , not like Garnet." Ruby responded. "It's not like she can't hold her alcohol. It's just that she drinks enough of it to kill 10 adult humans."

"Waitwait _wait_." Amethyst interrupted. "Garnet got _drunk_?!"

"Long story." Sapphire said. " _Very_ long story. You can ask Greg about it later if it doesn't trigger an episode of PTSD for him."

"Yeah…" Ruby scratched her head. "Garnet got a little… _uncontrollable_ that night."

"Right."

"Especially the morning after. At some point that night we unfused and I woke up alone in a half-incinerated motel room with the worst headache of my life. After that, I went to look for Sapphire…"

" _Ruby_ …" Sapphire warned.

The red gem went on, oblivious to her lover's warning. "I found her sitting on top of a traffic light at an intersection with a lampshade on her head. She was screaming at random people on the crosswalk to get off her property, and she was throwing half-empty beer bottles at them."

"R- **RUBY**!" Sapphire shouted indignantly, blushing while clutching the hem of her dress.

If there was a moment where Ruby looked more awkward and guilty, then it had to have been lost to history.

"S-sorry babe." Ruby stammered, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly. "You know how I get when I start rambling. _Nobody's_ safe, not even you. Can you forgive me?"

Sapphire bore a small but cheeky grin.

"Only if I get to say something humiliating about you, sweetie~"

" _Fiiine_."

"Thanks, but there's a catch. I won't tell you _when_ I'll say it."

"Aw, what?!"

"That whole lampshade thing was _completely_ uncalled for."

"Oh. _Yeah,_ I guess."

"Uh, guys?" Amethyst chimed in. "Can we, like, get back to our game?"

And so they all sat down for the thrilling conclusion.

"Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of… My ex-wife!"

Ruby, who had been lost in the recent conversation, had forgotten all about the bet. She was chuckling, and it did not go unnoticed.

"I win."

Ruby looked to Sapphire, the realization dawning upon her that she had indeed lost.

"Whatever." Ruby shrugged. "It had to be me anyway. I love you Saffy, but you just aren't strong enough to carry a big heavy Ruby like me."

"Wanna bet?~" Sapphire teased.

Amethyst interrupted Ruby before she could reply.

"Imma pick Surprise Sex!"

Sapphire reached for the black card, grinning. Two victories for the price of one, what wasn't there to love?

Okay, there was the whole lampshade thing, but _still._..

 **The Decks So Far:**

Ruby (Black cards: 1)

Trench Foot.

Horse meat.

RoboCop.

Gloryholes.

A really cool hat.

Old people smell.

An asymmetric boob job.

Sapphire (Black cards: 1)

Michael Jackson.

Eugenics.

Police brutality.

All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.

Copping a feel.

Sexting.

Roofies.

Amethyst (Black cards: 0)

A disappointing birthday party.

The chronic.

My soul.

The Jews.

Flying sex snakes.

The gays.

Racism.

Peridot (Black cards: 1)

Shapeshifters.

Me.

The Boy Scouts of America.

A windmill full of corpses.

A tiny horse.

Women in yogurt commercials.

An icepick lobotomy.


	7. OXYCLEAN

_Amethyst…_

 _Yeah, Dot?_

 _Why is this card written so strangely?_

 _Let me see_.

Amethyst took the black card from Peridot. When she read it, she cracked a mischievous smile behind her fan of cards so as to mask it from the hapless technician. She blipped her back.

 _This card quotes one of the greatest humans to walk this earth._

 _Really?_ Peridot inquired, uneasy.

 _Totally._ Amethyst affirmed, grin growing ever wider. _It's written like this to emphasize its power and importance._

 _Peridot, when you read this black card, you must scream it to the heavens._ _ **Embrace the power!**_

Ordinarily, Peridot would've seen straight through this blatant lie, but the promise of looking powerful in the eyes of a Quartz made her naive. What could possibly go wrong?

Peridot shot up, card in hand. She climbed up onto the table and took a deep breath, steeling herself for her moment of glory.

Finally, when she was ready...

" **BILLY MAYS HERE FOR BLANK!"** She yelled at the top of her non-existent lungs, her face wearing a crazed expression of unfettered pride.

Amethyst couldn't take it. _No one could._

The resulting unrestrained laughter made Peridot facepalm inside. How could she have been so stupid? Now she was just being humiliated.

On the bright side, Peridot thought, Amethyst was laughing, so that meant she had to take a shot. Peridot poured the shot and tapped Amethyst's shoulder.

"Ha ha… _huh_?"

Peridot held out the shot glass with a smug grin. **A/N: Think Yellow Pearl.**

"Oh. Ah well, it was totally worth it." Amethyst drank her shot. She then tossed Peridot a card and redrew. Ruby and Sapphire did the same.

"Alright, let's see…" Peridot picked up a random card. She opened her mouth to read it, but shut it and glared at Amethyst, who was eating a 3-month-old donut.

"What?"

"You know _what_." Peridot growled. "I have to do that thing again, don't I?"

"Well now that you mention it, sure!" Amethyst finished off her donut. "It was funny as hell the first time."

Sapphire shrugged. "You encouraged her…"

"Yeah, but why waste a perfectly good joke?" Ruby leaned back against a road sign. "It's only funny the first thousand times. I'm talkin' to you, Amethyst."

Said quartz shot up from her seat.

"Hey! I'll have you know that water balloons are the time-tested method of pissing someone off." She retorted.

"Okay, okay." Sapphire's voice broke through the argument. "Let's just continue on with our game and not give Amethyst any ideas."

With this, Peridot took a random card and read it, albeit begrudgingly.

" **BILLY MAYS HERE FOR AN ASYMMETRIC BOOB JOB!"**

" **BILLY MAYS HERE FOR COPPING A FEEL!"**

" **BILLY MAYS HERE FOR A DISAPPOINTING BIRTHDAY PARTY!"**

And then everybody found themselves on the floor laughing, short of breath. Peridot was not amused in the slightest.

"Boob job." She stated monotonously. Ruby got up and took her card, eyes squeezed shut and tearing from her poorly restrained laughter. The other Gems weren't any different. Amethyst was of course laughing hard, and Peridot was pretty sure that Sapphire ended up curled on the floor beside the tire, all of her signature grace forgotten.

 _What could be worse than this?_ Thought the technician, but she quickly cut off her own thoughts to avoid tempting fate.

 **The Decks So Far:**

Ruby (Black cards: 2)

Trench Foot.

Horse meat.

RoboCop.

Gloryholes.

A really cool hat.

Old people smell.

A big black dick.

Sapphire (Black cards: 1)

Michael Jackson.

Eugenics.

Police brutality.

All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.

Sexting.

Roofies.

Panda sex.

Amethyst (Black cards: 0)

The chronic.

My soul.

The Jews.

Flying sex snakes.

The gays.

Racism.

Mouth herpes.

Peridot (Black cards: 1)

Shapeshifters.

Me.

The Boy Scouts of America.

A windmill full of corpses.

A tiny horse.

Women in yogurt commercials.

An icepick lobotomy.


	8. White Supremacy

"Ruby. RUBY!"

Said Gem was jolted back to reality.

"Sorry… zoned out. It's my turn, isn't it?"

Amethyst nodded, arms crossed like a badass. Ruby grabbed a black card from the top of the pile.

"Blank."

Peridot looked confused. "Blank?"

"There's nothing on here, so it's _blank_."

Amethyst immediately stood up and dashed off, grinning and cackling like a madman. Everyone stilled, unnerved, fearing what was to come. All but Sapphire, who could only sigh at the others' apprehension.

"It's going to be fine, guys. Really..."

Soon Amethyst made her triumphant return, running back to the group at breakneck speed while waving a white gel pen in the air like the Olympic torch. Until she tripped on an errant shovel, tumbling until she collided with the wall of sludge behind Ruby. The warrior dodged the falling chunks of trash, the sludge landslide still fresh in her mind.

"Amethyst, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but could you _please_ express it in a way that doesn't remind me of THIS?!" Ruby held up her partially reformed stump-arm.

"Sorry, Rube-Cube."

"I am NOT Rube-Cube!"

"Whatever. Anyway guys, remember the blank white cards from before?"

"Ah, so we make up our own questions now?" inquired Sapphire.

"Yeah. Now take that pen and write something _disturbing_."

And with that, Sapphire daintily scrawled a question on her white card. Ruby and Peridot were each given blank cards of their own.

 _Ronaldo wears a tinfoil hat to protect him from _._

 __ is just a cheap tactic to make weak Gems stronger!_

 _Why do you hate life?_

The newly-written question cards were all returned to the deck, and Ruby drew another black card.

"White people like blank."

And the race began. Amethyst immediately slapped a card down with the confidence of a mind-reader.

"I'm a-gonna win, you guys!"

Everyone was carefully poring over their decks, trying to find the right card. Eventually, Sapphire and Peridot selected their cards and redrew.

Ruby boredly took the first card.

"White people like racism." This brought her interest back. How, she wondered, did anyone get a card so perfect? The surrounding giggles were all in agreement.

"How fitting…" Sapphire commented.

Peridot, after a brief explanation from Amethyst, was laughing her ass off so hard that said Quartz found it rather disturbing.

"White people like roofies."

 _Again, how fitting._ thought Sapphire.

Peridot was laughing even harder.

"Just like the punishment chambers on Homeworld!"

Ruby cringed at that. Sapphire looked uncomfortable too.

 _*Blip!*_

 _Yo Dot, do you even know what a roofie_ _ **is**_ _?_

 _No, but it's funny!_

 _*Blorp…*_

Amethyst decided to end the conversation there. Meanwhile, Ruby moved on to the next card.

"White people like women in yogurt commercials."

 _Once again, how fitting…_

One obligatory fit of laughter later...

"Racism." Ruby stated.

"CALLED IT!"

Amethyst snatched the card from Ruby.

"Who's got two thumbs and is gonna win this game?" Amethyst pointed to herself. "THIS GIRL! _OOOOOOH_ YEAH!"

"You... only have one black card." Sapphire muttered. Not that Amethyst was actually going to _listen_ to her, or anyone for that matter. She was too high on victory.

The one-gem celebration was cut off by a new, nasally voice from the room's door.

"Amethyst! What on earth are you doing making all that _noise_?"

The purple Gem visibly deflated. She knew that nagging tone all too well.

"Ugh… It's _Pearl_." she said, facepalming. "Damn it."

Peridot's nose wrinkled.

Ruby and Sapphire both had the same thought in their head.

 _Party's over._

 **The Decks So Far:**

Ruby (Black cards: 2)

Trench Foot.

Horse meat.

RoboCop.

Gloryholes.

A really cool hat.

Old people smell.

A big black dick.

Sapphire (Black cards: 1)

Michael Jackson.

Eugenics.

Police brutality.

All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.

Sexting.

Panda sex.

Tom Cruise.

Amethyst (Black cards: 1)

The chronic.

My soul.

The Jews.

Flying sex snakes.

The gays.

Mouth herpes.

Sperm whales.

Peridot (Black cards: 1)

Shapeshifters.

Me.

The Boy Scouts of America.

A windmill full of corpses.

A tiny horse.

An icepick lobotomy.

Stephen Hawking talking dirty.


End file.
